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The 30 Most Popular Email Signoffs, Translated

On the subtle art of saying “Thanks!” when you mean “Go die in a fire”

Those with a gift for the dark arts of email valedictions can speak volumes with a single word, an abbreviation, or an artfully placed (or withheld) exclamation point. But like all great endeavors in poetic expression, email signoffs are too often ignored, unappreciated, or willfully misunderstood by the heedless masses who genuinely think you’re expressing gratitude when you say something as nuanced as “Thanks;” or well-wishes when you say something as devastating as “Best.”

These are doubtless the same people who will text you “ok” or even “k” to mean “alright,” even though it is well-established at this point that either of those utterances in a text message signifies the beginning of a blood feud; or who write “ha” when they mean “hahahahahahaha,” which is like saying “Fuck off and die” when you mean “Nice to meet you.” With all that being said, it seems like there is a real and urgent need for an “Email Signoff Translator” to help folks who are subtextually challenged better navigate their professional lives, and so here we are. Hopefully this will clear up a lot of confusion in the future.

All the best, = “I grudgingly respect and fear you.”

As ever, = “You bore me so relentlessly that it is almost interesting.”

Best = “I have decided to spare you, for now.”

Best regards = “I’m on my best behavior because I need something from you.”

Best wishes = “Please do not email me again!”

Cheers, = “I like you but I don’t respect you.”

Cordially, = “For some time now I have been plotting a violent and surprisingly creative revenge upon your person, but I’ve recently decided that being compelled to go through life as the unctuous wretch that you are is more punishment than I could ever possibly mete out, and so I have decided (with some regret) to leave you to it.”

Hope this helps! = “Hope this helps (you dull-witted pillock)!”

Hope you’re well! = “I have already forgotten who you are or what this email was about.”

Kind regards, = “A long, long, long time ago, in an incident that was doubtless so trivial to you at the time that you thought nothing of it, you hurt someone with your carelessness. That person was me, and while there are certainly many others who have fallen prey to your cruel disregard, the relevant difference between the latter instances and the first one is that your other victims have not found you yet. But I have. Now, oblivious, you have fallen into my web.”

Let me know if you have any questions = *see “Hope this helps!”

Love = “I’m actually genuinely quite deeply in love with you but don’t know how to properly say it in another context.”

Regards = “I’m told it’s not possible to give someone palsy just by sending them an email, but that hasn’t stopped me trying.”

Respectfully = “You really fucked up this time!”

Rgrds = “I don’t respect you enough for vowels.”

Sincerely, = “I dislike you but I need something from you.”

Take care = “I think you are cool and I want you to think I am cool, too!”

Talk soon = “I’m painfully aware that you don’t read my emails.”

Thank you so much! = “I’m too personally insecure to know how I feel about you.”

Thank you very much! = “I want to be very clear that you have done me precisely zero favors.”

Thank you! = “Please hurry up and do this extremely simple thing for me.”

Thanks = “When justice finally catches up with you, you will not be spared.”

Thanks in advance = “I expect you to fail me.”

Thanks! = “Thanks for nothing!”

Thx = “Thx for nothing.”

TY = “You are not worth the effort to write out full words, and even this half-hearted scrap of feigned gratitude is more than you deserve.”

Warm regards = “I love you.”

Xoxo = “I love you but I don’t respect you.”

Yours, = “I love you but I don’t know you.”

Yours truly, = “I have always loved you, and the stars themselves shine more brightly when I think about you.”

This article originally appeared on Medium.com and was written by Jack Shepherd. View the original article here

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